


Manic Monday

by subminimal (markymark261)



Series: Changing Minds [2]
Category: Batman (Comics), Justice League, Smallville
Genre: Bodyswap, Future Fic, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-19
Updated: 2012-03-19
Packaged: 2017-11-02 05:30:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/365462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markymark261/pseuds/subminimal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the future and Lana's driving everybody out of their minds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Head Games

"Be careful what you wish for," thought Lois.

And she was right to think this for it was wishing that had gotten her into her current predicament. Not _her_ wishes of cause but rather Pete Ross'. Well, to be exact, they were more thoughts than wishes, but, thanks to his exposure to green rocks, Pete's thoughts, unbeknownst to Pete, would inevitably come true.

Sat there, stuck in her Lana-shaped prison, her mind had nothing to do but constantly replay the incredibly plausible events that had led to this moment which would always end with Pete Ross' thoughts that maybe Lana might have been lying when she said she could only use her mutant mind-swap power more than once. Of course, because he'd thought that, it automatically came true, and the next time Clark and Lois had gone to the hospital to visit a completely paralyzed Lana, Lana had seen fit to swap minds with Lois leaving Lois stranded in Lana's inert body while Lana, dressed as Lois, went off to have babies with Clark.

Lois remembered the last time she'd seen her own face smiling at her, and had wanted so desperately to punch it. "Nice swapping thoughts with you. Bye," Lana had said and strode out of the hospital wearing Lois' body and holding Clark's hand. That had been over a year ago.

Lois wished that Lana's mind was back in Lana's body.

Since then Lois had never gotten any more visitors ... except for one.

"Hey, Lana, I'm here," said an all too familiar voice.

It was Monday, and Lois hated Monday, because that was the day Pete Ross insisted on visiting her. While she sat there paralyzed Pete would reminisce with her about their (well, actually, his and Lana's) time together in Smallville, about how her (well, actually, Lana's) coffee business La La Land was going from strength to strength, and, worst of all, he'd read her his poems.

"Lana, Lana, Lana," he started. He knew she liked this one especially due to the large smile on her face. Of course she always had a large smile on her face, since she had a large smile on her face when the paralysis set in - hardly surprising since Lana had always had a big smile on her face although she'd turn it upside down when talking about her parents.

Finally, after hours that seemed liked decades, it was time for Pete to leave.

"Hey, I was just thinking, maybe all the doctors are wrong and maybe, against all the odds, your paralysis will inexplicably disappear one day," he said. He expected that this thought of his might cheer her up, but he didn't expect her to leap to her feet and punch him repeatedly in the face. He thought of retaliating but sinking into unconsciousness seemed the easier solution.

"Sorry to do that, Pete," Lois lied, "but I don't want you and your stupid thoughts getting in the way of my revenge."

* * *

The body of Lois Lane, unencumbered by much of a mind, was doing the housework and listening to the radio when the news came on that Lana Lang, the multi-billionaire coffee mogul, had made a miraculous recovery, beaten up Pete Ross, and then disappeared shouting something about revenge.

The next thing Lois Lane heard was a pounding at the door.

"Who could that be?" she wondered, and then went to open the door. But before she could open it, the door was kicked in.

"Lana?" exclaimed the Lois who wasn't really Lois.

"Lana!" exclaimed the Lana who was really Lois, and then leapt towards the fake Lois.

"Lana, what are you doing?" asked the fake Lois as the real Lois' blows rained down on her.

"I'm not Lana. You are!" replied the real Lois, emphasizing the point with a head-butt.

"You're crazy. I'm not Lana. You are," screamed the fake Lois, pinned to the floor by the real Lois.

The real Lois grabbed the fake Lois' hair.

"Not the hair. Not the hair," pleaded the fake Lois, terror in her voice. Lana would never care that much about her hair, thought Lois, why she sounded more like ...

"Smallville?" asked the real Lois incredulously.

The fake Lois looked up in confusion. Lana never called him that. Only one person called him that.

"Lois?" murmured Clark.

"But where's Lana?" asked a confused Lois.

Clark, wearing Lois' body, walked to the window and pointed at the figure flying overhead.

"Look! Up in the sky!"


	2. When Heroes Fall Down

"Lana Lang's Superman?" asked Lois, who these days looked like Lana.

"'Fraid so," replied Clark, who these days looked like Lois. "The worst thing is that, after she'd finished painting Metropolis pink, she ended up doing a better job of being Superman than I ever did."

Then Clark smacked Lois' palm against her forehead. "How could I have been so stupid. I should have guessed from the pink that she was Lana. Still, she was so convincing ..."

"What, you mean she'd expertly copied my mannerisms?" asked Lois, wondering how Clark had been fooled by Lana all of this time.

"No, but she called me Smallville and looked a lot like you so naturally I was completely taken in."

Lois decided that now was not the time for recriminations. "So, Smallville, when did she do the mind-swap with you? I bet it was when she realized you were Superman."

"No," replied Clark, shaking Lois' head. "Thinking about it now, I guess she never realized I was Superman. Not until the mind swap anyway. Everything's starting to make sense now."

"So when did she swap minds?" asked Lois, with a mix of curiosity and bewilderment.

"That was during the pregnancy," revealed Clark. "She said it was just too painful."

"The labor pains?" prompted Lois.

"No, the getting fat part," explained Clark. "And so we swapped minds and the next thing I knew I was looking at myself, and suddenly the Clark Kent I was looking at straightened up, took off his glasses and laughed, and then he said the strangest thing, although now I understand it."

"What did he say?" asked Lois,

"He, well Lana, felt the strength coursing through his, well her, body and said _You ... You're Superman, and all of these months I thought I'd been cheating on you_ and then he, well she, flew away."

"We've got to stop her, Clark."

"But how, Lois. She's so powerful."

"Isn't it obvious, Father?" came a weary voice from above, followed by a second weary voice: "You're wasting your breath."

Lois looked up and there, crawling on the ceiling were two babies.

"Our children," explained Clark. "Clark and Lana."

"B-but they can talk," sputtered Lois.

"Of course we can. We're not stupid you know. Our grandpa was Krypton's greatest scientist," replied little Lana.

"Although admittedly the thinking gene skipped a generation," added the cuddlesome Clark.

"So, how do we stop her?" asked Lois, doing her utmost to seem unphazed by this latest development.

Little Clark looked down, smiling, at his mother in her luscious Lana wrapping and his embarrassingly stupid father and, whilst thinking that an Oedipus complex wouldn't be such a bad idea after all, explained to his parents the obvious measures to take. "Pete Ross can do anything with his mind. Clearly he's the most straight-forward answer."

"That's right," yelled Clark triumphantly. "Pete's our friend."

"Well, he might take a bit of persuading," said Lois sheepishly as she looked at her, well Lana's, bruised knuckles.

"There's no time to waste," said Clark, suddenly realizing that he might yet get his powers back. "You, Clark Jonathan Peter Kent Junior, get down off that ceiling this instant. And you too, Lana Lana Lana Kent."

"Lana Lana Lana Kent?" screamed Lois. "How could you let Lana call our child that?"

"Hey, I talked her down from four Lanas," replied Clark, ducking an oncoming fist. "Now, calm down, Lois. We've got to set the kids a good example."

"Are we taking them with us?" asked Lois.

"No, the woman in the next apartment can baby-sit. Letitia won't mind - she once told me she used to baby-sit back in Smallville, reckons she can handle anything after that."

As Lois changed out of Lana's hospital clothes into one of the many pink outfits that now occupied her wardrobe, Clark Junior sat on the floor, bouncing a baseball off the wall.

"Think they'll succeed?" asked his twin sister, using her X-ray vision and super-hearing to watch a TV a couple of rooms away.

"Doubt it," replied Clark Junior, throwing the baseball through an open window with all of his might. "Still, I think I've got everything covered."

* * *

It was half an hour later and Pete Ross was astounded by what he'd just been told. "You mean I can change reality by just thinking about it and I never even realized it. Hey, wouldn't it be weird if, as soon as I learnt about my power, it disappeared forever."

And at that moment his power disappeared forever.

"Okay, Plan B," said Lois using Lana's mouth.

"You're not going to hit me again, are you?" asked Pete as he raised his arms to protect himself.

"Of course not, Pete. Now do you still have that green rock of yours?"

* * *

Clark and Lois stood at the edge of the roof.

"Go on and jump, Smallville. It's tradition - Lois Lane's body plummeting to the ground only to be rescued at the last minute by the Man of Steel. Besides, you've got the kryptonite."

"Well it might be better if you jumped off, Lois. You're used to this sort of thing. And besides Lana wouldn't let her lovely body splatter on the sidewalk."

At this point Lois turned on the psychology. "So Lana's body's lovely is it?"

"Well, erm, not as lovely as your body obviously."

"So you don't like me the way I look at the moment, is that it?"

"Well, I, erm, that is, I ..." and then Clark figured he'd rather jump off the roof than continue the conversation.

"Help me, Superman!" he yelled, as, from above, Lois watched her body plummeting to the ground. She'd seen the scene so many times before, albeit from a different angle, and this time, as on all the others, Superman was there for her.

"Don't worry, Miss Lane," Superman said, as he held Clark in his arms. "I've got you."

"No, I've got you," thought Clark, as he rummaged in Lois' pockets for a lead-lined box. The minute Superman deposited him back on the ground, Clark opened the box and Superman sank to his knees.

"Lois, what are you doing?" asked Superman as pain racked his body.

"The time for games are over, Lana," explained Clark, as he kept telling himself that he no longer needed to flinch from the kryptonite.

"But I'm not Lana ... I'm Virgil."


	3. Family Reunion

"Virgil who?" asked Clark, looking at Superman.

"You won't know me, Lois," replied Superman. "I am, or rather was, Dr. Virgil Swann, a wheelchair-bound scientist."

"You're Dr. Virgil Swann!" exclaimed Clark, who was always eager to state the obvious. "Dr. Swann, it's me, Clark. Lana switched minds with me just like she did with you. We have to stop her."

Dr. Swann looked at Clark in confusion. "But I thought you switched minds with me, Clark. You said you were bored with all of the needy people always wanting your help and wanted to switch places with me so that people would admire you for your intellect. Besides, you said, it must be a real doddle just being intellectual all day and sitting around - not a proper job like waitressing."

"No, Doc, that was Lana. She switched minds with Lois, then she switched minds with me, and now she's switched minds with you," explained Clark.

"How very plausible," observed Dr. Swann, amazed by the plausibility of it all. "Don't worry, Clark, this looks like a job for Doc-, uh, I mean Superman."

As Dr. Swann (who looked like Superman) flew Lois and Clark (who looked liked Lana and Lois) to the top secret laboratory of Dr. Swann (who'd hopefully turn out to be the real Lana Lang), the real Lois turned to Dr. Swann. "Thanks for taking the time out to help us. You must be pretty busy, what with all that fighting for truth, justice and the American way."

"It's no problem, Ma'am. Actually it's all a bit of a no-brainer when you've got powers like mine. Just last week I put an end to all wars, found a cure for cancer, and rescued ten thousand cats from trees."

Lois stared at Clark accusingly.

"Hey, I've rescued cats from trees," said Clark defensively. "And I kept telling you that I'd get round to those other things come the holidays."

Lois turned her attention back to the muscular form of Dr. Swann and ran her finger over his chin. "Hey, Doc. If things don't work out and we never get our original bodies back, what say you and I -"

"Lois!" exclaimed Clark. "Remember who you're married to."

"Well, newsflash, Smallville, did you really think I married you for your mind?"

"Yeah, well let me tell you that I've spent a lot less time looking at myself in the mirror now that I look like you ... Great hair by the way, Doc."

At which point a red-faced Dr. Swann deposited Lois and Clark at the entrance to his old laboratory. "Good luck, you two. I better be off now. Up, up and away!"

As Dr. Swann soared off into the sky, with Lois gazing adoringly after him, a fuming Clark muttered "I came up with that line."

"I'm sorry, Clark," said Lois, turning to face him. "It was just seeing you again, like you used to look, brought back all those memories and feelings I've been trying to suppress."

"Oh, Lois," said Clark.

"Oh, Clark," said Lois.

"Oh boy!" said Dr. Swann who, now a safe distance away, was using his telescopic vision and super-hearing to see what appeared to be Lois Lane and Lana Lang making up outside his lab. Just as his X-ray vision joined in, he was suddenly disturbed from his voyeurism by a super-fast baseball ricocheting off his head. "Guess I better get back to rescuing cats," he sighed.

* * *

"Hello, I'm one of Dr. Swann's minions," said one of Dr. Swann' s minions. "Can I help you?"

"Yes, we're here to see Lan-, I mean Dr. Swann," explained Clark. "Tell her, I mean him, that Lois Lane and Clark Kent are here."

The minion did a double-take.

"Oh, it's okay," said Clark, seeing the confusion on the minion's face. "I'm a man trapped in a woman's body."

"Oh, I see, very convincing," said the minion grasping the wrong end of the wrong stick. "You had me fooled although, of course, now that you mention it ..."

"Listen, minion," yelled an angry Lois, grabbing the minion tightly by the throat. "We want to see Dr. Swann and we want to see him now."

"But he's a very busy man," explained the minion, whilst fighting for breath. "First there were all the months we spent finding new shades of pink, and now there's his latest work. Groundbreaking stuff."

"If you don't let us see him now then I'll ..." started Lois.

Suddenly the air was filled with a strange sound.

"What's that strange sound?" asked Clark, always eager to ask the obvious as well as to state it.

"Sounds like a ..." started Lois.

"Hover chair," completed Dr. Swann, as his hover chair made it's entrance. As he stroked the white cat on his lap he looked at his visitors. "So, Lana Lang and Lois Lane, or rather Clark and Lois. Come inside, ladies, I've been expecting you."

As Clark and Lois followed Dr. Swann into his huge laboratory that was, as such top secret laboratories often are, built inside a large volcano, Dr. Swann turned to Lois.

"So, cousin. How's things?"


	4. Weird Science

"Chloe?" exclaimed Lana (who was really Lois).

"That's right," replied Dr. Swann (who was really Chloe). "I came here to visit Dr. Swann, who turned out to be Lana. Anyway Lana, with her natural gift for intelligence evasion, had finally realized that Dr. Swann was paralyzed rather than just lazy as she'd initially thought so the next thing I know she's swapping minds with me. Turns out it was the best thing that could have happened to me."

"How come?" asked Lois (who was really Clark) as Chloe approached a control console.

"Well after finishing off Dr. Swann's work, which was hardly rocket science - well actually it was - and after making the significant medical strides necessary to fix his body," she said, with a complete lack of modesty, as she stepped out of the hover chair, leaving her cat to scurry away to find more mice for experiments, "I used his vast resources to continue my life's work."

Chloe pushed a button on the control console and a large holographic display suddenly filled the air in front of them. A display so high they had to crane the necks to see halfway up it, and so wide that parts of the laboratory wall had to open up in order to accommodate it.

Lois and Clark immediately recognized it.

Chloe looked at the speechless duo. "So how do you like the new Wall of Weird. I spent half my life finding this stuff and now I'm going to spend the other half explaining it."

Clark laughed. "Wow, once you do that you'll be able to create designer freaks to take over the world. That'll fit in well with the white cat and the volcano hideout."

"You've got to be kidding me, Clark," replied Chloe jovially, using her hand to cover up the _World Domination_ button on the console. "You think all of your old friends from Smallville, the friends that you never had the decency to reveal your secret to, end up turning into criminal masterminds?"

"Well no but ..." and then Chloe's words registered in Clark's brain. "You know my secret?"

"Lana told me," replied Chloe. "How could you not trust me, Clark? You know I'd have made a really great story out of it."

"Got to go, cousin," interrupted Lois. "We've still got to catch Lana."

"Don't worry. I've come up with a gizmo," explained Chloe as she zapped them with a beam she'd invented for just such an occasion. A beam that would miraculously transport them straight to Chloe's apartment. Well, to be brutally honest, it would totally rip apart their atoms and use the information gathered to create an exact duplicate of them in Chloe's apartment, but people are never that interested in the small details.

* * *

Chloe's body lay sleeping on a pink rug in front of a fire.

"Lana, we're here and we want our bodies back," yelled Lois.

Chloe woke up, turned over towards them and saw Lois. "Grrrr," she snarled as she saw Lana Lang's face staring down at her.

"So you recognize me do you, Lana? That's right, it's Lois, and me and Clark want our bodies back."

At the mention of Clark's name, Chloe's eyes lit up and within seconds she was off the floor and thrusting her tongue at Clark's face.

As Lois watched in disgust at what appeared to be her cousin licking what appeared to be herself, Clark pushed Chloe away.

"What's the matter, master?" Chloe asked Clark. "Do you want me to get on all fours and perform some tricks for you? Or you could get your stick out."

"You're sick, Lana," Lois said.

"It's not Lana," Clark realized as he gazed into Chloe's big puppy-dog eyes. "It's Krypto."

"You mean Lana ... ?" asked Lois, quickly leaping from being one step behind to one step ahead.

Clark nodded. "She's a dog."


	5. The Solace Of Fortitude

Krypto didn't know what he'd done wrong.

He remembered returning from outer space the previous month only to notice that his master was no longer himself. After deciding that this wasn't due to a new color of kryptonite, he'd set off on a course of investigation that had led him to the no-longer-himself Dr. Swann and from there to the no-longer-herself Chloe Sullivan. It was then that he made his big mistake and confronted Chloe. The next thing he knew he was stuck in Chloe's body and watching himself soar off into the sky.

Since then he'd been leading Chloe's humdrum life as a journalist which, since there was a lot of digging involved, wasn't that much of a chore. Still he longed to see his master and finally, today, his wish had come true as his master, looking slightly different with longer hair and a swelling of the chest, had turned up while he was sleeping. Oh what joy filled his heart as he licked his master's face, looking forward to picking up where they'd left off, but he didn't realize the rejection that was to come.

It was the fault of the human called Lois Lane (who was dressed up completely as the human called Lana Lang). She'd looked at his master coldly as he'd become transfixed by the swelling on Chloe's chest. Apparently, according to what was said, the real Lana Lang, whilst inhabiting the body, must have paid a surgeon to increase this swelling and whilst this swelling seemed to please his master, it had the opposite effect on his master's companion. When Krypto had tried to rekindle his relationship with his master by asking him to stroke him and give him a bath, his master's companion had become even more unreasonable and dragged his master away to find that female dog called Lana.

Krypto would never understand humans, even with his super-intelligence. He wondered if even humans did. And then he got bored philosophizing and felt like a drink (that was the one good human invention - toilets).

* * *

In order to find Krypto they first had to find Superman.

"It's your turn to jump," reasoned Clark, looking down from the high rooftop.

"Great. I'll be in Dr. Swann's strong arms again," said Lois with a smile.

"What?" said a shocked Clark.

"Surely you're not jealous of Superman, Smallville. Why, it's just like the good old days."

"I'm not jealous," lied Clark. "If anyone's jealous it's you. Dragging me away from Chloe like that."

"It wasn't jealousy. I just got bored of watching you and Chloe slobbering over each other. If she wasn't licking you, you were drooling over her. She must have had more silicon in her than Brainiac and Dr. Swann's computers combined."

Clark had had enough of Lois' possible exaggeration. "Talk about making mountains out of molehills," he started, and then, seeing Lois' change of hue, added "Bad choice of words ... sorry."

"Don't apologize, Smallville. You obviously preferred Chloe to me, even with my Lana coating."

Clark put his hands on Lois' shoulders and looked deep into her eyes. "Lois, it doesn't matter what anyone looks like, I'll always prefer you. Even when Lana was inside you and I didn't realize you were missing I missed the things that I thought you'd lost - your scathing sarcasm, your cutting comments, your inept spelling ... your inner strength. For almost the last year I've been directionless without you, and now you've been back a matter of hours and I've been jumping off buildings and entering volcanoes. They say behind every great man there's a great woman, and behind this Superman there's a super -"

Lois put a finger over Clark's lips. "Oh Clark," she said, moving her body next to his.

Clark knew she only called him Clark, rather than Smallville, in their more intimate moments and closed his eyes waiting to feel her lips on his.

"You can be so sappy at times," she added as she pushed him off the roof.

Out of Clark's earshot Lois continued speaking: "Sorry, Smallville, but I didn't want to be rescued by a Superman who wasn't you."

Lois Lane could be sappy too.

* * *

"Clark, we've got to stop meeting like this," said the Dr. Swann version of Superman.

"Sorry, Doc, but we're looking for Krypto. We think Lana's inside him."

"He doesn't care what he eats," joked Dr. Swann much to only Dr. Swann's amusement.

"Do you know where he is?" asked an unamused Clark.

Dr. Swann nodded. "I suppose you want me to take Lois as well."

Clark nodded and one minute later he and Lois were being flown towards the Fortress Of Solitude.

* * *

"Let me handle this," requested Clark.

"Sure thing, Smallville. Just remember that's a killer dog you're messing with."

Dr. Swann looked on from a distance as Clark pulled out his box of kryptonite, still closed, and approached Krypto's kennel.

"Krypto, it's Clark," said Clark, kneeling down in front of the kennel.

Krypto sauntered out of the kennel on his hind legs and barked at Clark.

"What is it, Krypto? Are you Lana?"

Krypto waved a paw at Clark and shook his head in disgust.

"Hi, Lana," Clark said, waving back.

Looking at Clark in disbelief, Krypto raised a paw to cover his eyes. It looked like Clark needed a clue (but didn't he always?)

Krypto, still standing on his hind legs, started spinning around on the spot.

Clark smiled. "You're spinning around. I get it - you're dizzy - you ARE Lana."

Krypto gave a small yelp, and then traced the letter W twice in the air with his paw.

Clark's smile got even wider. "WW - that must stand for Wicked Witch. You're definitely Lana."

Lois watched Clark in disbelief. She found it very disconcerting to watch somebody who appeared to be herself acting so stupidly. Meanwhile Krypto started barking angrily at Clark.

Clark was getting exasperated. "You're mad. You're barking. You're barking mad. Okay, Krypto, you're Lana. How many times do you have to tell me?"

Krypto trotted back into his kennel and then brought out a message that he'd just typed.

Clark took the message off Krypto and read it aloud.

I'M WONDER WOMAN, YOU DOLT!

"That would have been my second guess," Clark said, turning back to a despairing Lois and Dr. Swann.


	6. Friends In High Places

High above the Earth, in the Justice League Watchtower, Green Lantern glanced out of the window and was surprised to see a baseball floating in the blackness of space. As the Watchtower's sophisticated defense systems kicked into gear and blasted the baseball back towards Earth, Green Lantern's attention was diverted by the sound of approaching footsteps. Spinning around he saw Superman accompanied by Lois Lane and Lana Lang.

"So, Superman, what can I do for you?"

"It's my friends who need help, Green Lantern, not I," explained Superman. "You'll remember how J'onn's telepathy quickly discovered that my mind was actually that of Dr. Virgil Swann."

"Of course, Doc, but we didn't mind. After all, you're so much better than the last guy." Green Lantern turned his attention towards Lois. "Hey, Lois, do you remember those stories you told me about Clark at the Christmas party? What a bozo!"

Whilst Lois Lane went red and Lana Lang turned her face away from Lois and shuffled her feet, Superman explained to Green Lantern that Lois was really Clark and Lana was really Lois.

"Anyway, Green Lantern," said Superman, wanting to hasten matters. "It appears that when I let Wonder Woman play Frisbee with Krypto several weeks ago, it ended up with Lana Lang taking over Wonder Woman's body. I guess that explains Wonder Woman's recent erratic behavior."

"Erratic behavior?" asked the real Lois.

Superman paused for a second, while he figured out the most tactful way to phrase things, and then attempted to elaborate. "It appears, Lois, that despite her recent body swap, Lana Lang continues to be man's best friend."

"She's still a dog?" asked a confused Clark.

"No, Clark," Superman continued patiently. "Lana's found a way to burn off all that excessive Amazon energy."

Looking at Clark's blank face, Green Lantern felt he had to intervene. "To put it simply, Clark, in the last couple of weeks Lana's slept with every one of our members."

"What? Slept with all of the Justice League?" asked an amazed Clark. That was unthinkable, nobody could do that (unless you counted Hawkgirl's escapades during the Thanagarian mating season).

"Well, I guess it's kind of understandable," pondered Lois, as she watched the tall vibrating red figure of The Flash enter the room.

"No, not with the Justice League," replied Green Lantern, laughing and shaking his head. "I meant the Green Lantern Corps."

"Even G'nort?" asked Clark.

"Even Mogo and he doesn't socialize," answered Green Lantern.

"Apparently the Earth moved," added The Flash.

"So where's Wonder Woman now?" asked Lois, half hoping that the answer was outside the solar system. For, when all was said and done, what chance did she and Clark stand against Wonder Woman? For all the other mighty heroes had weaknesses - Superman had kryptonite, Zatanna had palindromes, Captain Marvel Junior had introducing himself - but Wonder Woman, apart from a recently-acquired predilection for the color pink, had none.

"She's been as hard to keep tabs on as Batman recently," announced Green Lantern. "The last place she was seen was on Paradise Island."

"Well, that's where we're going," said Lois, grabbing hold of Clark's hand. "Which way's the transporter room?"

* * *

No sooner had the transporter beam deposited Clark and Lois in Wonder Woman's hometown of Paradise Island than they were surrounded by a horde of Amazons. The tallest of the Amazons walked up to the duo, brandishing a spear.

"We do not take kindly to outsiders who would dare to intrude on our unspoiled ... hey, are you Lana Lang?"

Lois, who figured she had nothing to lose, nodded.

The Amazon started to giggle uncontrollably. "Hey, I love your coffee. And that self-help book of yours _Women are Pink, Men are Red and Blue or Black_ changed my life."

"Hey, you can stay at my place," shouted another of the Amazons.

"No, mine, for as long as you want," yelled another.

"No, mine" screamed some others.

And so it was that, within the hour, a tournament was being held to find which Amazon was worthy of Lana's company.

Whilst all the Amazons were at the local stadium undergoing all sorts of grueling trials, Lois and Clark wandered around the island. In her short time as Princess Diana, Lana had certainly changed the place, for there, amongst the ancient buildings, stood a bright pink La La Land coffee house.

"I shouldn't really be here," said a worried Clark. "No man's supposed to set foot on Paradise Island."

"Relax, Smallville. It's only your mind that's male. I can hardly see that setting off any detectors."

"But ..." argued Clark, as Lois just ignored him and walked into La La Land.

"Why have we come in here?" asked Clark as he followed Lois.

"They've got internet access. I can check with Dr. Swann if there have been any sightings of Wonder Woman while we've been stuck on this island."

"You're not from around these parts, are you?" asked the Amazon behind the counter.

"No," replied Lois. "I'm Lana Lang and I -"

At which point the Amazon punched her. Very hard.

As Lois regained consciousness she saw the Amazon standing over her.

"Sorry about that, Lana. Couldn't help myself. If you worked for your company you'd understand why."

"Actually I'm not really Lana," explained Lois, dusting herself down. "In fact I'm trying to stop her. She's currently taken over the body of Princess Diana."

"So that's why Princess Diana was acting strangely," exclaimed the Amazon.

"Strangely?" asked Clark.

"Yes, she was in here a couple of days ago surfing the net when suddenly she leapt up screaming _Eureka_ and then left straight away. Haven't seen her since."

"Do you know her account details?" asked Lois.

The Amazon nodded.

"Smallville, you check through the history to see what web pages she's visited while I check to see if Dr. Swann's heard anything," ordered Lois.

And so it was that Clark searched through the last sites that Wonder Woman had visited and was surprised that they were all concerned with fan fiction. Not Xena fan fiction like all the other Amazons read, but Justice League fan fiction. Clark read through the stories, horrified that people could make up these stories about him and his friends, and, after the twenty fifth or so story, he realized that all of the stories Lana had read were ending the same way.

Meanwhile Lois had received a reply from Dr. Swann telling of the chaos currently going on in New York City. Wonder Woman had apparently turned into a vigilante, swinging through the city on her golden lasso accompanied by Wonder Girl The Girl Wonder. Meanwhile the hospitals were full of criminals brought in the previous night complaining of Amazon brutality, and the road hazard rate had risen so sharply, thanks to cars constantly smashing into an invisible Wondermobile, that it now equaled Smallville's at the start of the century. On the plus side, the Daily Planet's fashion correspondent really liked Wonder Woman's new cape and cowl.

Lois and Clark turned to each other and simultaneously declared "Batman's in Wonder Woman."


	7. The More Things Change

"Ms. Lane, Ms. Lang, what a pleasant surprise," Alfred said in one of the many sarcastic tones he reserved for visitors to Wayne Manor. "However I regretfully have to inform you that Master Bruce is not taking visitors at the present time."

"Alfred, it's me, Clark," said Lois, grabbing hold of Alfred's shoulders.

"And what makes you think that I'll believe you, Madam?" asked Alfred, peeling Lois Lane's hands away.

"Ask yourself this, Jeeves," butted in Lana Lang. "You know Clark Kent. Why would anyone want to pretend to be him?"

Lois looked at Lana with a hurt expression. "Lois, lots of people would want to be me."

Alfred used his advanced butler training not to smile. "Of course they would, Master Clark. Very droll. Now if you and Ms. Lane would follow me below. Although I should probably warn you in advance that my employer hasn't been himself lately."

"Who has?" replied Lana.

* * *

The Batcave was just as Clark remembered it, apart from the pink wallpaper, an additional level that was being added in order to house a La La Land coffee shop, and, most strikingly of all, a Batmobile that had been repainted pink, seemingly in a homage to the Compact Pussycat.

Of course there was one other thing that had changed - Batman himself. He just sat on the floor, his head in his hands.

"Can we be alone please, Alfred?" asked Clark.

"Certainly, sir. I'll go and polish a pole," Alfred said, and then, with a farewell nod, left Lois and Clark with the Dark Knight.

"Lana?" asked Clark, looking at the caped crusader.

Batman looked up at the two of them and laughed and laughed and laughed. It was a laugh that Lois and Clark knew well and that sent a chill down their spines.

"Batman's The Joker!" Clark exclaimed. "That means Lana must have taken The Joker's place. Just think of it, Lois. Lana Lang an insane psychopath with a hideous fixed grin."

"To tell you the truth, Smallville, I always thought of Lana that way."


	8. The Last Laugh

As Lois and Clark stood there in the cold of Crime Alley, waiting for some criminals to show up who might lead them to The Joker, Lois came to the realization that, as Clark's stupid ideas went, this was one of the stupider ones. Whereas she knew she could handle herself in a fight, Clark, who was used to his super-powers, would be instinctively staring at the bad guys' weapons in a forlorn attempt to melt them, or needlessly be pulling his punches. She should have just whacked him over the head the minute he'd come up with it but she'd still been feeling guilty about whacking him over the head for the idea he had immediately prior to that one of just giving up on finding The Joker and heading to Smallville because Lana was bound to go back there sometime. Whacking him over the head was a force of habit after all their years together - she kept forgetting that he wasn't invulnerable anymore.

And so it was that, after a much longer wait than Lois expected, a muscle-bound goon appeared in the darkness and started to approach them. Lois fell naturally into a fighting stance, while Clark took a more unique approach.

"Glad to see you sir," he said cheerfully, pleased that someone had now turned up. "You look reasonably scum-like so I was wondering if you could help me and my friend find The Joker."

The muscle-bound goon laughed. "Normally I'd kill anyone that spoke to me like that. Anyone I met in fact. But not today, for today I've finally been shown the love and attention that I always secretly craved and as a result I am cured of my evil. Follow me, ladies."

"It's a trap," whispered Lois to Clark. "It can't be this easy."

Clark smiled. He loved it when a plan came together - and just this once it was one of his.

* * *

The muscle-bound goon ushered Clark and Lois into a large hall, full of ne'er-do-wells and rapscallions sat around a large table.

"Who knows what dastardly plot The Joker's got hatching?" asked Lois.

The muscle-bound goon grabbed hold of Lois' wrist angrily, and then sheepishly let go of it. "Sorry 'bout that, lady, but you riled me. Sure The Joker was crazier than ever yesterday, but since he got back from Smallville he's a changed man. He's shown us all the error of our ways."

At which point The Joker entered. "Hello, boys. Here's what you've been waiting for," he said as he served up piping hot slices of pie to everyone there. Suddenly The Joker noticed the new arrivals at the same time that Clark recognized the pie smell.

"Lois? Lana?" exclaimed The Joker.

"Mom?" exclaimed Clark.

"Clark?" exclaimed Martha.

* * *

Letitia sat in The Kents' apartment watching TV as the two children sat quietly, as good as gold, in front of the window.

Using their X-ray and telescopic vision they were watching Superman save a cat in Metropolis, Dr. Swann planning to take over the world from his volcano hideout, Chloe Sullivan chasing cats, Krypto writing a fanfic called Paradise about Princess Diana before she became Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman dancing the Batusi, Batman attempting to kick start a career in stand-up, and The Joker serving ne'er-do-wells dessert.

Clark Junior looked up over Metropolis and there, high in the stratosphere, he saw the baseball he'd thrown earlier, although, annoyingly, it looked like it would reach Smallville one second later than he'd planned. Clark Junior grimaced.

* * *

"Can't I stay for dessert?" pleaded Clark.

"No way, Smallville. If Martha's in The Joker's body then, hopefully, Lana's still in Martha's body. We've got to reach Lana before she does any more mind-swaps. Can't believe that you hadn't even told Jonathan and Martha that you were stuck in my body."

"I didn't want to worry them," explained Clark. "Besides they were so proud of the wonderful things Superman was doing."

Lois shook her head in dismay, and then smiled. "So if Jonathan and Martha thought you were me does that mean ... ?"

Clark blushed and nodded. "Yeah, Dad flirts with me outrageously and Mom tells me all about their sex life."

"Did she tell you how she dresses up for your Dad on Mondays?"

"Yeah, Dad loved that show, just because he thought he looked like one of the stars."

"Only better looking," added Lois, remembering Martha's comments from long ago.

Clark's face went pale. "Wait a minute, it's Monday today."

"Daisy Duke night," said Lois with a shudder.

"Forget dessert. We've got to get to Smallville fast," said Clark dropping his spoon.

* * *

People had judged Lana Lang by her appearance all her life. Said things about her behind her back, or sometimes to her face (assuming that the inferences, like their whole sentences, would be lost on her). That was why she'd been so glad to change her appearance, flitting from body to body, being seen differently by the world. But, of course, that body-swapping hadn't made her happy, for through it all she was haunted by the indelible memory of her parents' death. Also, no matter how many Green Lantern Corps members she slept with, she was also haunted by her one true love from those days back in Smallville - Jonathan Kent.

Maybe she'd been looking for a replacement father figure. Who knows the ways of the heart? But all that time in Smallville she'd kept her secret hidden love secret and hidden, especially from Jonathan. Of course she'd tried to keep Clark at arm's length, but it was doomed to failure because Clark was her link to Jonathan. She still couldn't believe how she'd visited Clark all those times in the loft week after week just on the off-chance she'd run into Jonathan.

But all of those times were behind her now and nothing could destroy her happiness for now she was Martha Kent. She was even willing to put up with Jonathan's outlandish desires, searching everywhere for Martha's Daisy outfit to no avail (although she wasn't surprised that Martha would go to great lengths to hide it). In the end she'd had to buy a new one and she was wearing it now as she approached Jonathan's bedroom finally ready for the thing she'd been fantasizing about back in her adolescence.

Suddenly she heard a banging on the door downstairs, but she was prepared. Nobody was going to spoil her happiness this night. Grabbing a convenient shotgun she headed downstairs and pulled open the door only to find herself and Lois Lane standing there.

"Lana?" asked Clark, looking at the person who appeared to be his mother.

"It's got to be," said Lois.

"That's right," yelled the woman who appeared to be Martha Kent. "I'm the real Lana Lang!"

With that, she whacked Clark over the head with the gun, sending him tumbling to the ground unconscious.

This made Lois angry - only she could whack Smallville over the head. She rushed at Lana but stopped dead when she saw the gun barrel pointing straight at her.

"So, it looks like I win," laughed Lana. "All those years you and your cousin and everybody else I know looked down on me, but let me tell you this, Lois, Lana Lang is nobody's fool."

Lois Lane laughed. She wasn't sure if it was because of nerves or because of Lana's Daisy Duck costume, but, as Lana's finger tightened on the trigger, it looked like her life was over.

And then Clark regained consciousness, and, seeing something up in the sky rushing towards Lana, who looked like his mother, he instinctively shouted "Mom, look out!"

But the person in his mother's body had no time to move as a baseball suddenly descended from the heavens and smashed into her face.

Ten seconds later Jonathan descended the stairs to see what appeared to be Lois Lane and Lana Lang standing over Martha Kent's unconscious body.

* * *

Clark looked tired. "So, Lois, do you think we'll be able to convince Lana to get things back to normal?"

"Doubt it, Smallville. Things have just got too complicated and the moment Lana comes around she'll be swapping minds anyway. She'll just have to go into solitary confinement."

"What about Dad? How will he cope with his wife's brain in The Joker and her body locked up somewhere," asked Clark.

"Maybe we should move in with him for a while. Help him get over it."

"I thought you liked Metropolis?"

"Yeah, but I love Smallville," she replied, taking Clark in her arms and smiling.

* * *

And so it all ended, more confused than ever, with Martha Kent locked away for life with no visitors whatsoever. Fortunately it wasn't really Martha Kent, but unfortunately it wasn't Lana Lang either - she'd swapped minds again just before the baseball hit her. Lana Lang's mind was now back in Lana Lang's body just as Lois Lane (who now looked like Martha Kent) had wished for that very morning.

"Be careful what you wish for," thought Lois.

_**THE END** _


End file.
